Lucky

Posted by stephen on Tuesday, 24th January, 2006 @ 00:22

I've just watched a documentary on Channel 4 entitled 'Gay Muslims' and it leaves me feeling a little shocked. It most definitely highlights to me how lucky I've been in my life.

I came out back when I was 13, first at school to a few friends, it didn't take long to be the whole school, though not really by my choice. Then second to my parents. After that, school wasn't really too much fun a lot of the time.

The town where I want to school is a fairly small one, and pretty isolated really, physically and culturally. Kids aren't always comfortable with people that are different from themselves and even worse at that age I'm told that a significant minority of boys that are ultimately straight will question their sexuality. So I think maybe my presence caused them to be confronted with a few things they didn't want to deal with and felt they had to reject.

More than that, in some cases their parents didn't want to deal with it either. I remember, not long after I came out, changing from middle school to high school, and going from getting a bus to biking to school as it was a lot closer to where we lived. I'd very tentatively planned to bike to school with one of my friends at the time who lived not too far away. And I remember getting a phone call from him out of the blue not long before term started telling me his parents didn't think it was a good idea.

I was finally pushed by my form tutor to tell my parents, I guess so they could help me cope or at the very least be aware of what was happening to me at school. I decided to tell Mum first, as I lived with her and my brother and my Dad lived about 100 miles away not far from where I'm living now.

She was a little shocked at first, and I think it must have hurt her somewhat to start with. She was afraid for me, worried that I'd have a lonely life, be targeted by dirty old men and die of AIDS I think. She wanted to know why I felt like this. I imagine she questioned her own actions in bringing me up.

She very soon phoned my Dad and he drove down that evening to see us. He sat me down and was very calm and understanding. I don't remember it too well, I really wasn't comfortable talking about it. I later learned that he'd spoken to his boss after speaking to Mum and he'd insisted on seeing him right away to have a chat about it. He wanted to make sure that my Dad in no way made me feel bad about it, just in case it was just a phase and a bad experience might turn me into a homophobic git with a real chip on his shoulder.

Mum very quickly turned to acceptance and I was continually reminded by both of them that I would always be their son and that they loved me. I think I told mum a little about school and she went to see my form tutor.

I think the teacher wanted me to go and see a local gay support group, but I didn't want to, I don't really know why. I think I didn't want to make a big thing out of it, didn't want the attention and didn't want Mum to have to deal with anyone she might know finding out.

Anyway, time went on, and nothing really changed at school. Various things caused that really. There was no effective way of dealing with it I suppose. I remember my Media teacher feeling very strongly about it and offering to confront the worst offenders when I was out of the room. I was really very touched by her sentiment at the time.

She later came back to me and said she couldn't, she'd been told not to by the deputy head, who was responsible for discipline matters. I guess it conflicted with Section 28 back then, or maybe just with his views. Because not long after some of the more problematic guys told me how they'd been called in to see him and he'd basically sympathised with their position (I believe he used more verbose terms than that) but told them they really shouldn't get at me. I think they were as shocked as I was.

So nothing really got any better and every now and then Mum would ask how things were and I always said they were a lot better. I really wanted to protect her from worrying about me and from hurting for me. She tells me these days it's her job to worry and I shouldn't have felt I couldn't tell her. I didn't really open up to Dad either until a few years after, I just got on with things as best I could.

Eventually, I finished school and got a job in London, then later, here in Bedford and now back in London, though Bedford is still my home. And I'm happy to say that ever since I started my working life, being gay has never caused a problem for me or anyone around me.

And I have to say that these days I really have no grudges or malice directed at anyone who made life difficult at school, being a teenager isn't an easy thing.

I shall always be grateful for the wonderful parents I have. These days my Mum especially is always asking how things are going with whoever I'm seeing and doesn't like it too much when I'm single or split up with someone. Both my parents have met my partners and I always felt very much welcomed them into our family.

Watching the documentary tonight really reenforces the feelings I wrote about in 'Open Minded?' a couple of days ago. And it really brings home how lucky I am for my parents and my many friends and colleagues over this past nearly 6 years.

It really pains me to see that there are people out there, just like me and so many others, but who can't be themselves or who are rejected by their families and communities when they try to be.

And this is not just in some far off country, it's right here.